BB Fanboy Post

I am a week and a half late on this prompt because I have not been able to think of something that I'm obsessed with. The problem isn't that I'm not obsessed with anything. To the contrary, actually. I feel like I'm always saying, "Ohmigod I'm obsessed with this," likely because I have a fear that if I go around saying I love everything -- I love these shoes I love that car I love this risotto -- then I will cease to remember what it means to actually love. Love will then just turn into another qualifier, another way to express beauty or desire or, yes, obsession. But claiming that I'm obsessed with something isn't that much better, now is it? It may even be worse, to go around claiming I am so entirely and inclusively wrapped up in one thing that everything else just falls away and I can only care about that one thing which consumes all my brain power. Dude. Kinda effed up.

I'll tell you what I'm obsessed with right now (and this is not what my post is going to be about): I'm obsessed with my eye twitching. I'm prone to eye twitches, and supposedly they are hereditary, or might be, so my dad can sympathize. But this is the worst one I've ever had. It started, like... 6 weeks ago or something? It started one day and then was fairly relentless for a month; in the beginning, I had some breaks. Then it turned into a constant irritation. I got so fed up that I called the first optometrist's office that popped up on the list of Maksin-covered doctors and cried to the receptionist that this was interfering with my life. So I went to get glasses and my doctor (who wore glasses and a white lab coat) told me everything I already knew -- that this is caused by stress or anxiety, fatigue, and too much caffeine -- and wrote me a prescription for the most mild pair of glasses ever.

Except they help me, and now I am obsessed with them. (Except this isn't what this post is going to be about, either.)

Last week, the eye twitching stopped. All together. I had one whole week of no twitching. THEN. On Saturday, it started again. I was up super early for the farmer's market and while in the bathroom I felt it coming. One little twitch at a time. And then, all day, relentless. Until it stopped, of course, after I went to the gym.

Now I'm home, in Vancouver, and it won't stop. Maybe I'm stressed about Mallory's wedding. Likely, it's a combination of things (whole otha' post that ain't even ever gonna get written), but it's started again, full swing. It's worse now that it was before: it's not so much a pounding, but more like a vibration on my eyelid. Before, I just started dealing with it. Ignoring it. It had become a part of me. I was Lauren with the Eye Twitch. Now, it was all I could do to not seriously hurt myself last night by, like, trying to take my eyeball out of my head. And with my luck, I would then just be out one eye and my lid would continue to twitch. HA.

I didn't want to do anything yesterday but wallow in my annoyance. I didn't call Drea till, like, 6:30, when I should have called her much earlier, because it turned out that the best part of my day was going to Portland and talking with her for hours over (pretty fucking large) glasses of red wine. Then, when I came home and my dad was still awake, we talked for almost two hours and it was one of those talks where you're reminded that there are people in the world that see you as you want to see yourself. There are people that think you are the goddamn bee's knees -- the smartest, the most beautiful, the most fulfilling person for them. Sometimes I need to be reminded of the things other people see in me (especially people like my dad, because he basically loves me more than anyone and he makes it plain-as-day obvious and I love him for it) because otherwise, I end up festering in my own self-hatred. Okay, not really, but I always see the bad shit in myself. I always focus on the self-esteem (lack thereof), and the fears, and the idiotic notions that I have about how other people think of me behind my back. (Can you think something behind someone's back?? I guess what I mean is, how people really feel about me, not just what they say to my face.) So, anyway, sometimes it's nice to be reminded that there is at least one person out there that loves you unconditionally and only, only, only wants you to be happy, at whatever price to themselves.

SO. ANYWAY. My dad was like, "You have to think of your eye twitch as like a friend." I looked at him cockeyed. He said that whenever his shoulder starts hurting, he thinks, there it is again. It's just a part of him. Like this twitch in my eye has become a part of me. It's like, my quirk. My buddy. I can't make it go away, so all I can do is accept it. Luckily, I know it won't last forever.

God, this post is windy as hell. Good thing, like, two people read my blog. And they already know that I have a tendency to blather on and on and on...

So, that is my current obsession. So, of what am I a fanboy?! There are so many things I could put here: my dog, for instance. Oh my God, I adore him. I always forget about it, too, until I come home just how much I love that little dog. This morning, I sat down by his bed to scratch behind his ears, and he looked at me kind of sleepily, stuck his tongue out a bit as if to say, "If I had more energy right now, I'd lick your hand with affection," and then rested his head against my arm. Right now, my dad is getting ready to take him for a walk, so Jack's bounding around the house after him while he throws garbage away, puts stuff in the garage, washes his hands, unwraps a cigar. In fact, as I sit here right now, in the living room with my Macbook on my lap, my dad tossed a pair of shoes onto the wood flooring in front of the door and said sympathetically, "Boy, it sure does take a long time to get ready, huh, Mr. Dog?" And Jack just kept staring at him, as if to say, "I will follow you around this house until you put that leash on me. Then it's on." They just left. He's a happy pup.

But that's not what I was going to talk about! HAH. Get to the damn point, Laur.

I decided to write my post about being a fanboy of being happy. I freely admit that I am obsessed with being happy. I know what will make me happy, too; it's just a matter of time, and money, before I get there. Here is my happy-making list, in no particular order.

I need:

1. A house that I own, where I can paint the walls in every room a different color. The house will be old, lived in, but not run down. It will have personality, and beauty radiating out of the window sills. The ceilings will be low, the carpet will be plush and the wood will be stained a perfect shade of deep, deep cherry. When you walk into my house, you will feel an overwhelming sense of joy, as if the house said to you, "Welcome. Please make yourself at home in me. I want you to be happy here." (This is gonna take a lot of work, and not just physical labor, either.)
2. A dog. A doggy of my own. A little pup that I bring home, nurture the fear away, and then turn into a kind dog, who loves and adores and listens to commands like "stay." That's an important one.
3. A job that I love. This may take a while, too, but luckily I have many interests and (I think?) many different skills and I am also generally happy doing whatever pays the bills, so to speak. However, I will hold out for that that job. You know. The one that feels like it was created just for you. Problem is, I don't really know what that job is yet. Or maybe that's not a problem. Maybe that's a very good sign.
4. Love. Everywhere. At home with me, in that house, with the colored walls and the puppy. Love outside those walls and beyond the front yard, living in the homes of my friends. Love across the state, or across the country, or across the world, in the homes of my family. Love love love love love... gimme it.

Aaaaand that's it. I think. It almost seems too easy, huh? "That's all you want, Lauren?" Yeah, I guess so. I suppose if I had to add one more thing to the list, it would be money. But not the money that buys you summer homes and private jets and Olympic-sized pools. Just the kind of money that lets you buy your little multi-colored house, and dog food (as well as people food), and helps you with car payments, and maybe saves up enough one day for a boat. That's all I really want. A bit of money to be comfortable. Not lavish. Because those things aren't important to me. I'm not a show-off, and I feel like I'm learning this more and more with each passing day of my life.

So, there you have it. I'm a fanboy of my own happiness. (Selfish? Maybe, but it's a lot easier to be altruistic and helpful and kind when you're happy yourself, so maybe happiness in one's own life just helps perpetuate an overarching worldly feeling of warmness, charitableness, and love.)

BB Number Nine

Write about the most dangerous place you have been. Feel free to interpret this broadly. For example, this dangerous place may have been a geographic location or maybe it was a state of mind. Or, maybe, it is a place you have never been but one you nevertheless fear.

I was on my way to work yesterday, cutting through the lawn in front of my complex, zipping up my sweatshirt against the surprisingly brisk air. It was almost 8:00. As I picked my way through the grass, trying to step in the sunny spots so as to avoid dampening my shoes with morning dew, I saw a tiny robin hopping in front of me. I let my eyes create the path I assumed the robin was taking and followed the invisible line over to a tree. It was under the tree that I then saw a squirrel flicking his tail back and forth and a bunny, standing very still except for a quivering nose. The bird, bun, and squirrel were positioned in a triangle shape in the grass, mere feet away from each other, just in front of my apartment complex. I instantly fell in love with every one of the cuddly little animals. And I realized how much I love Pullman.

I bitch about Pullman a lot. I never did before I started grad school, either. When I was an undergrad at WSU, I would practically skip up to campus, whether I was trekking to the CUE in January for Digital Diversity with Patty, or headed into Avery in April to sit with Kristin and my fellow rhetoric students. (God, I really should call them Dr. Ericsson and Dr. Arola, but they are both so much more than just professors to me.) I LOVED Digital Technology & Culture. After bouncing through architecture and majors that were way too sciencey for me, I was so thrilled to find DTC, find Patty, and find awesome people who were just as nerdy as me. Of course, I had (what I thought) was a lot of work to do, but I always did it in earnest.

When I started grad school, though, I started to resent Pullman. No longer was it the quaint, warm college town I had grown to love over the past four years. Pullman now felt like a mistress, whipping me with a composition notebook, screaming at me to lesson-plan for my students and start reading more for my seminar papers. I felt like I was drowning, like I was in over my head. So I started bitching about Pullman all the time, talking about how sick of the place I was.

It took me almost a year to realize that Pullman hadn't done anything to me. I was the one making myself so stressed out amidst the corridors of Avery Hall. Pullman was the same as it has always been. It was my outlook that had changed.

I then let myself fall back in love with Pullman, remembering my favorite stores, my favorite spots to lounge with a book. I reminded myself that I am the one who always wanted to get a Master's, that I was the one who worked hard to get here, that there was a reason I applied only to WSU and (fortunately, IMHO) got in, and those reasons were that I loved Pullman, WSU, and the English Department. (Or, at least, the parts of it I had been exposed to.)

And now, as a traditionally-aged student who is now two years old than all the traditionally-aged undergraduates, I feel a sense of belonging and security in Pullman. Not to mention, I straddle the line between continuing my role as a student, sitting in Avery 110 and trying to keep up with seminar discussions, versus standing at the front of a classroom telling 26 freshmen about rhetoric. I have a place here. I am needed. I feel important. (If not vastly out of my league, more often than not.)

When I start Fall semester, I will be starting my last year in Pullman. (I'm not staying here for a PhD, but that's another post entirely.) It's really starting to sink in that in just a little over a month, I will be participating in my last Pullman Fall semester. Then my last Christmas Break. Then my last Spring semester. This is the last summer I'll spend in Pullman, panting in the heat, waiting for the school year to commence yet again. This is a very odd feeling, because I've made Pullman my home. I took to Pullman like a fish to water the moment I came here in 2003, and that affinity for this town has remained. But by next May, I have to get out. My time at WSU will expire and I'll have to move on (IhopeIhopeIhope to the West Side), get a job, start a 401k, buy a house, travel, go to weddings and baby showers and funerals, retire. You know; do what people do.

I'm scared, though. I'm not scared of growing up, or getting wrinkles, or being poor, or going through hard times. I'm scared of moving. I'm scared of leaving this little haven of a town and having to enter The Real World in a new city. I feel like I belong in Pullman. I don't feel that way about any other place.

Sure, I love Seattle. But I feel like if I told Seattle I loved her, she's swish her long, shiny hair behind her shoulder and exclaim, "You and everyone else, sweetheart."

And every time I go home to Vancouver, I feel like it greets me with a weak half-hug and asks, "So, what are you up to? Are you engaged yet?!? Ohmigod I'm getting married in like two months! He's sooo good with my kid, too. Can you believe my little baby is almost five years old?! I know, right? Wait, you're still in school? Ohmigod, why? Ew."

I'm worried I won't ever be able to find a place that embraces me like Pullman has. Pullman is like my friend; I can tell Pullman my problems, and she sits with me, looking into my eyes, and she always brings me a cup of tea. Right now, I feel like I am vacillating, ready to move on and create my adult life and simultaneously afraid that I will never feel at home in another place. I feel like no matter where I go after I graduate in May, I'll be taking a risk. But maybe that's the point. I mean, this is life. If I play it safe from here on out, I'm not really living, right? Part of life is jumping into something unknown. And I've done it before. I did it with a relationship I thought I would have to bid farewell to mere months after it began. I did it by coming to Pullman in the first place. I mean, before I got out of high school, Vancouver was my home. Then Pullman became my home. The next city I move to will undoubtedly become my home as well -- where I'll find favorite restaurants and favorite shops and favorite second-hand stores -- even if it takes me a while to grow that love. I just want a city that I can call my own, that I can identify with, that I feel needs me. I want a bigger, badder, more intense version of Pullman. I want a house, and a car I picked out, and a floppy puppy who springs around on the floor with his tongue lolling, asking for table scraps. I want love to permeate the walls. Maybe I will paint my kitchen red, with hardwood flooring and rich cabinetry, so that I feel like it's hugging me every time I walk in. Hello, Lauren. I love you. What are we cooking this evening?

I often feel like from right now up to May of 2009 is the most dangerous place I've ever been. I'm scared, and worried I'll fail, and apprehensive about finding a new place to put all my shit. My mental health, my confidence, my security are in danger. But I know, logically, that it's all in my head. I know that this will dissipate, then vanish, and I'll laugh at myself for ever thinking that I would never belong anywhere but Pullman. I just need to prepare to thank Pullman for all it's given me, and keep my heart set on that red kitchen and the smiling puppy, sitting at my ankle, waiting for a sauteed carrot or a rogue bite of chicken to tumble from its place on top of the stove.

delicate.

I am not a delicate person. I don't even know how you classify someone as being delicate, but I assume you use adjectives which do not describe me.

Instead, I'm little, and my legs are passed directly from my mother, whose father was German. I have a huge mouth. My hair often takes a life of its own and if I don't mold it with an ever-changing and expanding list of products, I look depressingly horrific. Moreover, my fingers are short and my nails break easily and it's basically impossible for me to find pants with the proper inseam unless they are classified as "petite" or "short." Which I guess classifies me, too, but I often still cannot wear petite or short pants with flats. These are not qualities that I imagine when I hear the word "delicate." Instead, I imagine words like "cute," "tiny," "adorable." "Small." (Appropriate, since Tony's most common nickname for me is Small, or Smally, as well as many variations.)

Tony called my lithe, once. It was in the beginning. I was lying on my bed, my arm bent at the elbow, fingertips brushing my clavicle. My head was turned toward him, chin tilted up. This was when we were still in love with our mutual love of words. Lithe. I remember it like it was yesterday.

But there is just one time in my life when I felt delicate. It was when I was dancing. For about three years, while dancing (relatively) consistently, I felt like the very definition of delicate. I know a lot of people feel awkward and bumbling while dancing, but I was good at it. Maybe it's because I had to wear heels. Maybe it's because I understand that you can't look down, that your arms and your neck affect your form as much as do your legs. This is probably why I never really took to swing -- too much bouncing and arm wavering for me -- even though I was really good at East Coast, too. (I've only danced West Coast once, with a friend of mine at a date dash, and I was really drunk. But he said I did well. I think it's just because I'm great at following.)

As everyone knows. Tango is my favorite. I can tango circles around anyone. (Okay, not really. And that statement is probably less true now that I'm out of practice.) I was really, really good at Tango. I love the drama of Tango, the sensuality, the pace. I worked hard to make Tango alluring and surreptitiously sexy while dancing it. I perfected the Tango Face. Sometimes, when I'd think about how awesome I must have looked, I'd have to fight back a smile. Because you don't smile in Tango. Only passion. (Again, not really true. But this is just how I am.)

And the waltz. God, how I love to waltz. I'd smile my ass off while waltzing, close-mouthed, of course. I'd look at my partner with a glance that said, "Aren't we the most fabulous dancers on this floor?" And I'd look to everyone in the room, asking for their agreement with my serene smile. I was always a cocky dancer, but I didn't care, because I loved it so much. I'd get carried around the room, twirling and contra-checking or promenading, and I'd feel like the most exquisite woman in the room.

Now, though, I sit in my apartment and watch So You Think You Can Dance with Toria and go crazy whenever anyone waltzes or tangos. And when I'm disappointed by the performance, I always think to myself, I could do it better. Even though I KNOW I couldn't. I used to dream that I'd end up on those ballroom competition shows that always air on public broadcast channels, cha-chaing and and salsaing and swinging and foxtrotting around the room, but everyone would gape when the Tango began. And then, when my partner (who was always incredibly good-looking in my dreams) and I would waltz, the crowd would erupt in cheers and make bets as to how soon it would take for us to be the most popular and famous dancers in the world.

And sometimes I still dream.

BB Number Six

Palm reading: One of those new-agey things I'm not really sure I buy into. Our hands are always changing, right? Sure, our fingerprints remain the same throughout our lives, but our palms grow and stretch and the skin comes together in different patterns... right? Or maybe I'M the fruit loop. But, regardless, I am choosing to do the hand prompt because, my skepticism aside, I still find this palm reading very interesting: I mean, why would anyone come up with the idea that if your heart line begins below the index finger, you are content with your love life? Crackpots! Heh.

Here we go. A reading of Lauren's left palm. (Because I am a woman and because it's my non-dominant hand, so therefore it sheds more light on my natural persona. Supposedly.)

The Heart Line

begins in the middle - falls in love easily.

(HAH.)

circle on the line - depression

(... whatever.)

smaller lines crossing through heart line - emotional trauma

(It also says this for "broken line," so, WTF?)

The Head Line

curved, sloping line - creativity

(of course!)
separated from life line - adventure, enthusiasm for life.

(v. true.)

wavy line - short attention span

(I don't know how wavy my line actually is...)
deep, long line - thinking is clear and focused

(I'm tempted to disagree with this, but I can't argue with the hand.)

The Life Line

curvy - plenty of energy

(Not today! But yes, generally speaking, I'd agree.)
short and shallow - manipulated by others

(Yikes. Um, in what ways, precisely?)
swoops around in a semicircle - strength and enthusiasm.

(HOLLA!)

The Fate Line

Okay, so, I am basically convinced that I don't have a fate line. I had Toria look at my palm and she traced a line with her index finger, saying my fate line was "right here," but I only saw the very faintest of lines that I wouldn't classify as a major palm-reading line. The only criterium she said applied was "breaks and changes of direction," which would mean I'm "prone to many changes in life from external forces." Which doesn't make me incredibly happy. But I can't decide if I am even less happy with the thought that I simply don't have a fate line.

As far as the shape of my hand goes, I think I have a fire hand (according to this website, anyway.)

A fire hand has "square or rectangular palm, flushed or pink skin, and shorter fingers; length of the palm greater than length of fingers."

And it says:
spontaneous, enthusiastic and optimistic
sometimes egoistic, impulsive and insensitive
extroverts
do things boldly and instinctively

I hesitate to argue with most of that.

Now I just feel more eager to go see Mystic Meg and find out just how right on I was, as well as what else she can tell me. Thanks, Tor.

Dinner Party Favors Continued

After I wrote my third BB post, I wrote to Drea and Mir and linked them to my blog. I asked them to peruse the Betsey Johnson website and pick out their own party favors. They were both totally psyched, but Drea doesn't have internet at her place and she is busy being a California Girl, so i am not going to press the issue too much. However, Mir responded (immediately, and with enthusiasm), so I am going to post her choices here and, if Drea decides she wants to partake, I will gladly post her chosen favors as well.

Taken directly from her message:

1. Shoes - not at all shoes I would ever expect to tempt me, but how could I not fall in love with these?

(Funny, these are totally shoes I would expect to tempt Miranda.)

2. Bag - Since my own very loved betsey johnson bag is no longer on the website, this one will have to do (and it does just fine, mmm).


3. Sunglasses - And since I already have the ever seductive aviators, I decided to go with these. They make me want summer to arrive. (Good news: it's since arrived!)


4. Jewelry - I have been in love with this (and the matching earrings) for about a year now, and have been too poor to buy them.


Yay! Now, Drea... get on it! :)

BB 5: Om Nom Nom

You win some money and decide to open a restaurant. Looking at the local phone book, there are already over a hundred restaurants in the area. How will yours be different? What will make people flock to your restaurant?

I'm late on my own prompt: how embarrassing.

The thing is, I wanted to create a mockup of my restaurant but it proved to take waaaay longer than I'd expected, so I'm just going to give you what I have and verbally describe the rest.

First off, my restaurant will be in Seattle. This is because, well, I want it to be there. What else can I say? And my plan is so off the wall that maybe I'll find a little niche of loyal customers. But first, I'll need a big city with lots of people and I don't want to leave the Pacific NW.

Second, I think I'd like to call it La 食糧 Deliciosa. "WTF?" You might say. Well, my restaurant will serve both Japanese and Spanish food. Not together, mind you; this isn't some weirdo fusion restaurant that serves paella topped with unagi and masago (even though my name is a hybrid that reads simply "The Delicious Food"). This is two restaurants in one.

Basically, Japanese food is my most favoritest food EVER. And I obviously have an affinity for good Spanish food, and it's always so hard for me to find either that adequately satisfy my cravings. I love Sushi Land of course, because they know what people like and they always use very fresh fish: every Sushi Land I've been to has served perfectly fine sushi. And you can't argue with the price. Spanish food is a bit harder to come by, I believe, because it hasn't turned into a cultural fad amongst the type of people that lives in the Pacific NW. But this past weekend I was at home on the west side and I went to this Spanish restaurant in Portland called The Maiden. It was pretty good, and the price was decent, but some of the mussels were off and they poured vinegar into the oil for the bread and the ceviche was so stupidly spicy that we had to send it back. (Other than all that, it was a good experience.) Therefore, I'd like to get some native, world-class cooks up in my restaurant to blow everyone away.

The layout is where things get a bit tricky. I mentioned I want two restaurants in one, which means I want an area where the Japanese food is served and an area for the Spanish food. But I want people to be able to experience both places, whether they start with tapas and move over to nigiri, or have some sake early in the evening and then take off for a pitcher of sangria. So, the two areas will be separated, but connected with a moat. And to get from one part of the restaurant to the other, you'll have to get into a little gondola and ride across the moat. At each end of the moat there will be dramatic, theater-type curtains pulled back, welcoming you into the other half of La 食糧 Deliciosa, and you'll step up out of the gondola and pick your seating.

(Yes, I realize gondolas have nothing to do with this setup. I just like them. Why have a moat, too? Because that's cooler than a walkway. Okay, fine, there will be a foot path as well. But traveling by gondola would be way more fun, and you know it.)

The decor of my restaurant will be the same on each side. This is the mockup I've created.

(Please click on the image to see it full size and with the proper colors. Why do browser eff with the color of images? Whyyyy?)

Essentially, I decided that I wanted really unique chandeliers and striped gold and maroon wallpaper. I found that chandelier image online a while ago, fell in love with it, and have since come back to grab it for my restaurant. I love it because chandeliers are beautiful and classy and scream wealth at you, but this one is fresh and hip and kind of kitschy. It was a BITCH Photoshopping out all of the white of the background between the beaded bits. But it was worth it.

Then I found those chairs. God, how I love those chairs. (If you can't guess, they're from Ikea.) At first, I planned to use something like this:

Because, how cool would it be to eat at a restaurant where you sit on a chaise lounge like that?? (Okay, this is actually called a fainting couch and it's from Urban Outfitters, but it's sort of chaise-loungey.) In fact, in my dream world, I would have both: the couches in place of traditional booths and the chairs as opposed to regular, boring restaurant chairs. And yes, I fully realize how much square footage I'll have to purchase in order to house all of this oversized furniture. But I'm okay with that, because it's MY dream!

The floor will be hardwood, cleaned twice a day, so if people want to walk around barefoot or something, they can. Maybe I'll make little booties available so you can slip out of your heels and put your fleeced feet up on our chaise-lounge-fainting couch. That sounds nice.

The decor will be the same in both halves of the restaurant, as I mentioned, but the tables will be unique to each area. I would like to put in tables that are colorful and bright, to match the chandeliers. Therefore, the tables will be inspired by my favorite artist from each country: Takashi Murakami in the Japanese half of the restaurant, and Antonio Gaudí in the Spanish half. It would be sooo awesome to have Murakami flower bomb tables:

And tables inspired by the Serpentine benches at one of the coolest, most interesting, most inspiring places in the whole entire world, Park Güell (if you don't know what I'm talking about here, Google it now):

These tables would obviously be refashioned a bit to actually be shaped properly for a table (Like, the flower bomb base will need a flat top) and then the tops will be glass.

So, there you have it. I welcome you to The Delicious Food. (Wouldn't that be hysterical, for your waiter to say that to you? "Welcome to The Delicious Food!" Mwahahahahaha. So dorky.)

The Pullman Spring 2006 Mix CD: BB Number Four

Come up with a mix CD of songs, that for you, relate to a particular place.

As you can gather from my title, I'm going to put together a list of songs that remind me of Pullman, two years ago, as the seasons changed. From the tail-end of winter to spring, and from spring into the beautiful budding of summer, dragging my emotions and lightheartedness along into the nurturing warmth of the end of my junior year of college.

Why, might you ask, is this particular time in this particular place so important and exciting and blog-post-worthy for me? Because it is when I started dating Tony.

I know. Seriously, I know. I promise in the future I will write more things that don't have anything to do with Tony, but this prompt is just too easy to give up! I have so many songs that remind me of that spring in Pullman, and they all carry very unique feelings of mine in their lyrics, and it'll be fun to write. I hope it's half as fun to read. I hope you don't choke on my girliness.

Tony introduced me to the vast majority of the artists on my list. We have very similar tastes in music, but his collection was much more extensive. In fact, our relationship began with trading music. I've always said that if we ever break up, I won't be able to listen to 90% of my (huge) music collection. Fingers crossed.

I apologize in advance for the disgustingly saccharin text I am about to spew forth through the screen and into your eyeballs.

The Track List:

1. Stars - Elevator Love Letter
2. Doves - Almost Forgot Myself
3. Emiliana Torrini - Sunny Road
4. Silversun Pickups - Kissing Families
5. Maria Taylor - Two of Those Too
6. Feist - Mushaboom
7. Her Space Holiday - Tech Romance
8. Okkervil River - For Real
9. Azure Ray - Sleep
10. The Good Life - Always a Bridesmaid
11. Rilo Kiley - Portions for Foxes
12. Nada Surf - Blankest Year
    
13. The American Analog Set - Aaron & Maria
    
14. The Wrens - She Sends Kisses
15. Stars - What I'm Trying to Say

And now, for my (hopefully not too long-winded) explanation for each track.

1. Stars - Elevator Love Letter

Sigh. Amy Millan disappointed me so much with her solo album because it is totally different from the way she sings for Stars ... which is pure beauty. Her voice is like the oral equivalent to red lipstick, or pink stilettos, or fields of butter-yellow daffodils, or smoking with a cigarette holder, or white silk sheets topped with a mountain of down pillows. I LOVE HER VOICE.

During one of our musical exchange programs, Tony sent me this song and said, "I'm not sure you'll like it." He was wrong. I instantly fell in love. At record speed, Stars became one of my very favorite bands ever. And Elevator Love Letter remains one of the sweetest, most powerful songs I've ever heard.

2. Doves - Almost Forgot Myself

This was a particularly warm day in Pullman. Tony and I were at his place and he was late to work. He lived far off of campus, so walking wasn't an option and the bus would take even longer. We didn't even really have time to make a stop at my place for my car. He came up with the solution that he'd drive us over to the Lighty/French Ad area of campus and then I'd drive his car back to my place.

"Really?" I inquired, "You're comfortable with that?" I am super possessive of my car and not really disappointed that it's got a manual transmission and therefore can't be driven by just anyone who needs wheels. Tony insisted that he was cool with it, that he trusted me to not smash the shit out of his little Jetta. We soared over to work, dodging other cars and screaming through stoplights to come to a screeching stop in front of the admin buildings. (Okay, I'm exaggerating a bit. I mean, it's just Pullman. Consider this creative nonfiction.) As we hopped out of the car and Chinese-fire-drilled, I asked him once more if he was certain he was okay that I was getting behind his wheel. ("That's what she said"? Teehee.)

"Yes," he said, giving me a peck on the lips, "I trust you." He hustled off toward the building and I slid into the driver's side of his car. Scooting the seat forward, I smiled to myself as those words reverberated in my head: "I trust you." I turned the ignition, opened the windows and the sunroof, and turned up his stereo. A CD was playing, and I hadn't heard the track that came through the speakers. I took note of the song number and asked after the album when he got off work.

"Erm, Doves? I think..." He thought right. Those lyrics seemed so appropriate on that day, driving around in my new boyfriend's car, the uncharacteristically sunny day. I almost forgot myself again in the best way possible.

3. Emiliana Torrini - Sunny Road

We fell asleep together listening to this album more times than I can count. Legs entwined, windows open, watching each other's eyes close. This was my favorite song to lull me to sleep.

(OMG, the corniness is overwhelming and I'm only at song number three!)

4. Silversun Pickups - Kissing Families

Tony gave me SSPU's Pikul EP early in our relationship and it would be a lie to say I fell in love with it instantly. However, the first track on the EP, Kissing Families, intrigued me by title alone so I kept listening to it, really listening over and over, deconstructing it and putting it back together, and I grew this strange love for the song. It reminds me now of hot sunshine and cool Pullman breezes. (Also, we saw them in concert at the Doug Fir in Portland two winters ago and it was such an incredible, high-energy show. I'm pretty sure we held hands while this song played. I KNOW.)

5. Maria Taylor - Two of Those Too

(That video sucks, by the way. You don't even get to hear the best part at the beginning. Lemme know if you want the song, I'll send it to you.)

Good God. I don't even know where to start with this one. This song has always resonated very deeply with me. I think it's because when Tony and I first got together, Pullman seemed as ethereal and magical a place as the college town Maria describes in this song. Sure, it was spring and the seasons were changing, but man, I was in love!

This is what she sings: "A college town with a musical sound, and everyone had a new face. There was something there, maybe it was the trees, or the flowery air, or that everyone seemed so glad they were there. And we were two of those, too."

That was it, dudes. It was springtime, the air was alive with the scent of new grass and buds on trees. This song made me want to spend my life at Reaney Park with Tony, a blanket, and a picnic basket. And I wanted it to be sunny and 80 degrees forever. That feeling resurfaces whenever I hear this song. Maria, you are a soulful, spot-on chick.

And you can't sustain anything, everything must change. So be thankful for everything.

And I am.

6. Feist - Mushaboom

Feist is another artist that Tony introduced me to and I am ashamed to say I didn't know about before. I love everything about Leslie Feist: I love her voice, her face, her lyrics, her music videos, her melodies. This song is like an old blanket or teddy bear for me, except it's way too upbeat to be an old teddy bear so, really, it's like my grandma's old can-can dresses or my favorite pair of heels. (I don't even know what my favorite pair of heels is. Probably my red round-toe Steve Maddens, but my square-toe, deep shimmery gray Nine Wests are a close, close second.) Whenever I listen to this song, I want to grab Tony's hand, yank him up Kamiak Butte, and skip to the top singing, "Oooooooh dirt road!"

P.S. That video is magnificent. Feist is luminous. I wish we were friends.

7. Her Space Holiday - Tech Romance

(Don't pay attention to anything but the song here. This is the only video I could find that wasn't a live version of the song recorded on someone's cell phone.)

When I sent Tony this album, and he listened to this song, he said to me, "They sound like the look of impressionist paintings." (I know because I wrote it down.)

That may have been the exact moment I fell in love with him.

8. Okkervil River - For Real

You know how some songs have that inexplicable pull on your emotions, that make you feel something you don't really understand, or even know where that feeling came from? This is one of those songs for me. It makes my heart hurt. It makes me want to sob big, fat tears with a crazy smile spread across my face. I can't describe why; all I know is that it makes me want to be in Tony's arms, (metaphorically) spinning around and around in the middle on Stadium Way while cars swerve to keep from hitting us. It's fragile and complicated. I don't know how to describe it.

9. Azure Ray - Sleep

I have the same feeling toward this song as I do for Sunny Road, but it's a bit different. This album was, like, thebeginning of Lauren and Tony. (And Sleep is the first song on the album.) This was also falling asleep next to each other, but in a different way. This was more intense or something. Sunny Road is like, "I love you, you're beautiful and magnificent and I'm so happy we're here together." Sleep is more like, "OMG HOW HAVE I LIVED WITHOUT YOU FOR TWO DECADES?!?!?!?!"

And, interestingly, it has nothing to do with the song. Because to me, the song is kind of sad. I think my feelings are mainly fueled the tranquility of the voices of Maria Taylor and Orenda Fink.

10. The Good Life - Always a Bridesmaid

(I have NO idea what's up with this video. But, again, the only other version I found was live and it sounded horrible. Tons of static. Anyone know a better place for music videos than YouTube??)

There is one reason this is on the list.

"Maybe it's the whiskey sours, but I think this could be it."

eep!

Also, Tony had gotten a poster of this EP cover mere days before the first time I went over to his place. Whenever I see the image now, I am reminded of sitting in his computer chair, in his old apartment, and just staring at it. It's kind of how I felt with him. Handcuffed together, like we were destined to be together (?? Ugh, cheesy), but so in love we wanted to be there. Stuck together. Christ, that is so ridiculous. But it's true. 

11. Rilo Kiley - Portions for Foxes

It was really hard to pick one song from one Rilo Kiley album. I mean, I can't pick every song on two albums, right? But this was, I think, the first Rilo Kiley song I ever heard. And it's such an intense, rapid succession of lyrical shittiness. I don't relate to this song at all (I wish I did, because then I'd be, you know, hot and mysterious and incomprehensible. Kind of like Jenny Lewis), but I like the way it makes me feel: transported back to that green, fragrant, love-filled Pullman spring.

12. Nada Surf - Blankest Year

I love listening to this upbeat album because it's so appropriate for driving the back road to Moscow with your boyfriend, rolling down the windows, and screaming into the wind together, "Ah fuck it, I'm gonna have a party!"

13. The American Analog Set - Aaron & Maria
(I can send a better version of this to you, as well, if you're interested.)
Tony loved this song when he first heard it, and it made me really happy because it's a powerful one. I can't really relate to the story in this song, but it's about a couple who don't want anything but to be together. (That's what it means to me, anyway.) Now that, I can relate to. Sometimes, to be cute, I'll sing it using our names: "Tony and Lauren ran from the Northwest coast to the city and..." But my two-syllable name kind of screws it up.

14. The Wrens - She Sends Kisses
You know what I said about For Real? This song does the same thing to me, but in a much more forceful way. Like, when I hear this song, it feel like someone punched my chest open, ripped out my heart, picked little pieces off the edges and then plopped it on the ground to kick it across the dirt... then picked it up again, tossing it like a baseball at dumpsters, cars, and trees, watching the shiny red trails it left behind, wondering where to finally discard of the broken, pulpy mess.

Tony gave me this album, The Meadowlands, and when I said "more more more," he gave me The Wrens' other albums and warned me that they contained a very different sound. He was right. I really like The Wrens, but this song just gets to me every single time I hear it. It reminds me of how I felt about Tony when we first started dating: that all-consuming, intimidating feeling of love that makes you grab at your chest, trying to stop the pain.

15. Stars - What I'm Trying to Say

(Again, no video watching. Especially the beginning if you don't want to have a seizure.)

This song is akin to basically what I have been trying to do for this entire post: describe something so special and wonderful by using words. I mean, sure, I like to pretend I'm a great writer, but more often than not I have no idea what I'm doing. (Yeah, yeah, I know, I'm being too hard on myself. Like a typical writer. ["writer"?]) But how do you quantify something, down to strings of letters and syllables and sounds, that is purely conceptual? Something that you can feel, but you can't touch? Everything just sounds like a cliché, you know? "His skin felt like silk against my skin," or "His kiss sent electric shock waves down my spine." Metaphors and similies. Blah.

So, when you love someone, how do you say it? And I don't mean, "Say it with flowers!" or "Say it with chocolate!" or "Say it with a trip to Jamaica!" I mean, what are the true, pure words that come out of your mouth, without any inflation or any cliché?

Isn't it always just, "I love you"?

Tony told me he loved me 16 days after we were officially together. I know this because I wrote it down. (I have a habit of doing that.) If you didn't know that before, well, surprise! And, true, we didn't become a couple, like, the second we met. It was not long after, though. And from the moment we started dating, I knew how I felt about him. But you can't really tell someone you're in love with them after you've known them for a week, right?

So, instead, we did that little dance for a while; you know, the whole, "I... um... I think you're... when I'm with you... *sigh* I care for you so much." (And when I say a while, I mean, like two weeks.) When he finally told me, he wrote it to me. I know. It's too perfect.

But before that, this song was my savior. Sometimes, on those warm, windows-open nights with him, I'd put this album on and will him, so hard, to understand what I wanted to say without having to say "I love you."

*

I realize that this post is more "my relationship with Tony" as opposed to "my time in Pullman, Spring '06." The thing is, though, that springtime in Pullman reminds me of Tony, and all of these songs remind me of that time. Perhaps the specific memories associated with them relate more to Tony than to the actual place, but Pullman in the spring is like a backdrop to my cache of memories of Lauren & Tony: The Beginning. I'm so happy when the sun is shining and the air feels fresh, and that feeling was amplified two springs ago when I met him.

I know this post is really gross, and probably more lovey-dovey shit than you ever cared to know about my relationship, but I'm trying this thing where I'm more open with people. I like talking about stuff like this (and I like it even more when someone wants to listen), but I'm often afraid of, I don't know, ridicule or annoyance or something. So I end up keeping it to myself. Or, I end up writing it privately. Maybe publicly writing stuff like this will be a nice segue into, I don't know, actually talking to people about substantial stuff in my life.

Or maybe I'll get embarrassed and delete this post in two days. Here's hoping my courage stays strong.

may 29, 2006